How Maintaining It As the “Status Quo” Is Harmful to Everyone and
how to Be an Ally
The gender binary is a way to classify and categorize humans into two specific genders based on their biological sex. People are classified as one of two things; 1. Male or 2. Female.
Trying to explain this ‘balck-and-white’ way of thinking about something that is inherently rainbow requires an answer that isn’t quite straightforward (and yes, the pun was intended.
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Psychologically speaking, humans find comfort and safety in being able to understand the world around us. One way we do this is by putting labels on everything and many reasons factor into the ‘why’. One of these reasons is that it’s hardwired in our DNA to classify things in an effort to survive the game of ‘life and death’.
This classification system allows our brains to make split second decisions with minimal input from the environment. Within milliseconds our brains:
1. Take in the current data from the environment.
2 Cognitively run to the mental memory files to incorporate past experiences (both personal and shared “societal experiences”) with incoming data.
3. Compare the old data with the “new info” and make a rapid decision.
This natural proclivity to want to categorize and sort has kept humans safe from extinction.
If someone in your tribe ate a red berry and it killed them everyone immediately stopped eating all red berries. While humans are capable of complex thinking (rainbows), the “default mode” prefers simple (black and white). The Complex Thinker in the tribe will recognize that the red berry which killed XX is related to another colored berry known to be deadly. Complex Thinker may decide that it wasn’t the color red, but rather the berry type. They never force anyone to try a new berry, they merely go out on their own in search of finding out for themself about other red berries and discover that strawberries and raspberries are edible and delicious. Initially, ‘others’ will be doubtful that Complex Thinker is telling the truth because of what history stated (red-berries-equal-death) and initially be hesitant to also try the berries. Over time humans realized that you won’t die if you eat strawberries or raspberries and you don’t have to eat them at all if you don’t like them and still survive.
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Historically speaking, in 400 B.C a community in India called Hijra talked about a third gender suggesting that the idea of 2 genders had already been accepted by the majority. Social groups also accepted the notion of a 3rd gender that blends both the masculine and femeine into one being. Native Americans have also held the belief that some individuals are ‘two spirited’ and these humans are revered as sacred and special.
Religious/Social/Political culture has and does play a role in the continued support of the gender binary and is the foundation for structuring social life across various cultures.
We need not look any further than all the laws around the world that use gender as a means to discriminate against someone else. People with power don’t like to share it; those who have benefitted from the gender binary system maintain the structures.
What people fail to realize is that by holding firm to outdated and harmful ways of thinking about others, you are actually hurting yourself and those you love if you are limiting them from living their truth.
All earthly religions state that God/Allah/Budda (or a variation of a divine being) is the final judge for mankind’s eternal soul. Then why are the religious leaders taking it upon themself to be the judge and jury for their earthly siblings?
Why can’t religious believers emulate Christ’s example? Chill with a prostitute and see how you can help them if they wants a different profession. Stop rallying outside abortion clients harrasing scared women; instead offer to pay someones medical bills and help them find a loving family to adopted the baby.
If Jesus was on the streets today his appearance and mannerisms would make him unrecognizable to many who say they follow his teachings. He would be reported to the police with the following description. A black/brown person, with long hair, a beard, andronous clothes, acting sketchy helping to uplift those in need under a bridge or dark alley. (I imagine he also has a soft voice and a kind generous nature which some may perceive as weak/gay) .
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Physically speaking let’s start with the fact that some humans are born with both genitals and/or have both internal sex organs; this is called intersex. These individuals sometimes have a completely different combination of sex chromosomes, like XXY. Historically, at birth, if two genitalia were present the doctors and/or parents would make the “gender choice” for a child. Sometimes a person will not have both external genitalia but may be born with both internal sex organs (ovaries and testicles). They don’t realize this until later in life, usually around puberty when their experience is different from their peers.
Next, let’s look at another biological factor that plays into gender identity. Even if a person has only “male/female” sex parts there may still be variation and fluxuation of either testerone or estroggen hormones in their bodies (females with a little extra facial hair and men with extra breast flesh) which would have an impact on gender identity.
Did you know that around 1.7% of people are born intersex; this is the same percentage of people born with red hair.
I had to point out that humans were never genetically built to be black and white, and the concept of the gender binary is more of a social, political, and cultural construct. In simplest terms, if someone states that their gender is non-binary it means they don’t feel completely male or female but a combination of both. If you google “how many genders are there” you will get a variety of answers from 2-72. Non-binary gender simply means a person does not identify nor want to be labeled as strictly male/female because their lived experience doesn’t match the label.
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Humans can’t really escape society’s reinforcements (both loud and soft) of the gender binary.
The loudest is happening right now with the laws banning and criminalizing LGTBQIA+ individuals or those who support them. Softer reinforcements for the gender binary can be found in public toilets, dressing rooms, schools, most jobs, driver’s license, government/work ID, health insurance, job applications, clothe brands focused on two gender stereotypes (boys masculine and blue, girls pretty and pink), roles in religion, sports and dating sites/apps to name a few.
When a person’s lived experience isn’t validated by their parents/caregivers or they are taught by society that what they feel is something to be ashamed of it negatively impacts their mental health.
They may; struggle with low self-esteem, develop internalized transphobia, experience depression/anxiety/PTSD/ Gender Dysphoria (to name a few), engage in self-harm, attempt/commit suicide, turn to drugs in an effort to numb their pain (or be accepted by peers) and struggle to establish and maintain healthy relationships with others.
Parents’ mental health also suffers when society tells them they can’t support their child. They will be torn between supporting someone’s natural development versus facing criminal charges if their support is discovered and reported. Outsiders become ‘informants’, friends may become traitors and everyone is viewed as a potential threat. This results in family members living in a chronic state of “high alert”. The body is constantly producing stress hormones impacting not only mental but physical health as well.
The toll on the mental health of so many individuals trickles down into the community as a whole when we limit others from living their truth.
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If you feel your core identify blends both masculine and feminine traits (whatever that ratio is) and you don’t ascribe to the social/cultural and gender-based characteristics/constructs offered within the gender bi-nary, you may be non-binary.
The majority of the world is non-binary tucked neatly into one box or the other without evening realizing it. Only those who are truly on the end of the Bell Curve can’t ‘tuck’ forever without it negatively impacting their mental health.
Questions to ask yourself:
- Do I identify more with the role my mom or dad has in life? *role means ‘bread winner=masculine and homemaker=feminie ROLE not sex,
- Do I desire to engage in activities often reserved for the opposite gender (boys wearing make-up, girls wearing ties).
- Has society ever told me to “man up” when I did feminine things or “stop being a tom-boy” when I did masculine things?
- Have I ever been misgendered? How did I feel about it?
If you aren’t non-binary below are some ways you can still help shift the general lens on gender.
- Open yourself up to exploring your own gender identity while really trying to understand the struggle someone who doesn’t feel “ male/female” may experience.
- Educate yourself on what gender identification really means; its a complex interplay between one’s physical sex, the gender a person feels and identifies with on the inside, and the social element of how they present their individual identification to society.
- Speak up and offer insight that challenges the notion of the gender binary when the topic comes up in conversation.
- If you know someone who identifies as non-binary ask them to share their journey.
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If everyone identified as KIND we would embrace ‘different’ with the desire to understand not discriminate with the intent to demand conformity by any means possible.
***I’m not bitter about God or believing in a higher power…..I’m OVER the hypocrisy that comes with organized religions and the desire to use ‘the word of God’ to act in ways that science has proven HARMFUL to an individuals mental health and emotional well being.*****